Here is a definitive list of comebacks and replies for all types of breastfeeding related harassment. Feel free to share your own comebacks in the comments section and we will add them!
"Are you still nursing?"
"Of course not! My mom weaned me a long time ago. My baby is though!"
"Absolutely, isn't it wonderful?"
"Right now? No, he's over there playing."
"I was never a nurse."
"Yes, his doctor is so thrilled. So many moms give up due to pressures of rude friends and family."
"Everyone asks that, it must be because he's so incredibly healthy."
"Yes, he deserves only the very best. "
"Of course, I am glad you keep asking. It shows you want the best for him."
"It's her turn, you'll have to wait in line!"
"When are you planning on weaning?"
"I'm not. He'll wean me."
(pause) "Oh, you were talking to me? I thought you were asking him...he can't answer you yet."
"Maybe when she moves out. She can always come home for a snack, though."
"When are you planning on minding your own business?"
"He hasn't told me yet."
"I haven't asked him yet."
"I hope not for a while. We're both enjoying our time together."
"What, and get my PMS back? are you crazy?"
"I weaned a long time ago, when I was two I think."
"I don't know. He seems to still enjoy it and I enjoy those extra 500 calories I burn."
"Thanks for asking. Everyone seems to need an answer for that except for me and my child."
"When will you give him cow's milk?"
"Whenever he becomes a baby cow."
"When he starts thinking he's a calf."
"Whenever human milk stops being the best for human babies."
"Breastfeeding is gross!"
"So is changing diapers, yet people do it all the time."
"The reason women have breasts is to feed their young."
"Hello? Did you not realize that humans are mammals?"
"Seems to me that you have some issues you need to work out."
"Feeding my baby with whatever it is that they put in formula is gross to me."
"Watching people stuff their faces in restaurants is gross. Should that not be allowed?"
"Watching people eating crappy fast food is gross, and they do that in public all the time!"
"Why would you want to nurse when you can just get formula?"
"Gee, I don’t know. It must have something to do it with being free, always the right temperature, portable, what nature intended, and the best way I can nourish my baby."
"Have you checked out the price of formula lately?"
"Breastmilk is sterile and safe - the same cannot always be said for formula."
"Why give my baby something man made when I can give her what nature intended?"
"You should go feed her in the bathroom."
"Do YOU eat in the bathroom?"
"Why don't YOU go eat in a filthy bathroom?"
"If my breastfeeding offends you, I will be happy to ask your waiter to bring you your food in the restroom."
"How long are you going to do that? Shouldn’t you be feeding your baby solid food now? "
"I plan to follow medical recommendations: The American Academy of Pediatrics recommends exclusive breastfeeding for the first six months and continued breastfeeding at least through the end of the first year. The World Health Organization recommends breastfeeding for at least two years and beyond as long as mom and baby want to continue."
"Oh, until he goes off to college."
"Its just until I learn to cook!"
"Don’t you want your husband to be able to bond with the baby?"
"You’re right, holding the baby, talking to the baby, changing the baby, bathing the baby, and spending time just being with the baby sure won’t be enough for him to bond with the baby."
"He will bond the same way fathers have bonded for their babies in the thousands of years before formula was invented."
"You want to get up in the middle of the night to nurse?"
"You’re right: I don’t want to get up; that’s why my husband gets up and brings the baby to me."
"I’d rather nurse in my sleep than schlep to the kitchen and try to mix, heat up, and feed my baby formula in my sleep … because I sure do love sleeping."
"We co-sleep. I just roll over, give him the breast, and go back to snoozing!"
"There goes your sex life. "
"My husband would be really shocked to hear that … especially after we … well, I’d better not say any more."
"Are you speaking from experience?"
"How long are you going to keep nursing?"
"Oh, another 10 minutes or so..."
"Until I finish medical school to become a doctor!"
"Isn't he a little old for that?"
"Aren't you a little old to be wearing those jeans?"
"His doctor doesn't think so."
"What?! He's not even out of diapers!"
"Aren't you a little old to be randomly coming up to strangers and asking impolite questions?"
"He doesn't NEED to nurse at this age!"
"He doesn't need his teddy bear either and but we still give it to him."
(laugh) "Where did you hear that?"
"He can HEAR you, you know."
"And you don't NEED to eat that doughnut, but you still are."
"And you should be OVER the whole thing by now, are you still afraid of a breastfeeding child?"
"If you are offended by me doing this, then you are looking too closely."
"Do you often look this closely at women's breasts?"
"It is illegal to harass a mother breastfeeding in public or to ask her to cover up. If you still have a problem feel free to call the police. You can explain to them why you are breaking the law."
And of course, you all know our favorite:
"If breastfeeding offends you, put a blanket over YOUR head!"